i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
