the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
