that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
