I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
