there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
