Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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