he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Randomize
