Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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