u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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