I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
