the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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