I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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