i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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