I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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