the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
