god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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