My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
