Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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