So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
