I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
