Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
