i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize