Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize