I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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