Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
