I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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