dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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