Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
