It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Actions speak louder than pants.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
