I will die if light touches me.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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