to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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