We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
