So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
