i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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