Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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