guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize