Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
