would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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