My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
