he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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