i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
