Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize