I think my fart just growled at me.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize