The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
