Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
