Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
