Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
