In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
