I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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