I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
