What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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