i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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