the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
