Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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