before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
