So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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