pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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