I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
