I cannot find my penis.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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