i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
