And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
