remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize