24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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